:: A Walk Of Life ::

I have developed interests in Japanese anime and manga lately. :)

So I just wanted to share the anime sites I currently visiting, to watch Kekkaishi online (Kekkaishi anime that is), download Kekkaishi episodes, read Kekkaishi manga online, and to read anime and manga reviews. So guys, head on to those sites to share the interests I'm having for anime.

Gotta spread the word. New cool blogs out there; (1.) Ren's Network , (2.) anime reviews, manga, Asian drama, and wallpapers and (3.) blogging through depression and life

That darkness has come back again without hesitation...

Everything once again is too far..... too far to reach... too far..... 

Everything seems dark. Everything seems like they never end.

Clouds are cloudy. Darkness is everywhere.

And i dont know where im walking on.

Im alone again. 

There's this blog, about depression too... Blogging Through Depression & Life 

Go away i said!!

Sibuk!! Go away you people who DONT NEED TO KNOW!! Why you ppl out of nowhere suddenly bugging my life?? Why ppl who *dont need to know* about what happened to me suddenly all know??!! Whats this??! I dont need all your lectures!!!!! Stop burdening my head!! Stop it! Stop it already!!! 

I dont want these ppl to know, God... because this is too personal for me. I needed a few people to know, yes. But not all of them. Not the whole world. Because they'll remind me of the things i dont wanna be thinking anymore. The past, the memories; be them good or bad. They're now just spamming my emails, asking me to remember the so-called "good-ones" in the past. Asking me to remember the so-called "good memories". I dont wanna be remembering them anymore right now. I needed to do this on my own. Though bitter it is and too difficult it is for me now.. If i had or wanted to remember, let me remember them on my own, dont force me to!! Dont force me to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stay away from me. Stop making things harder for me when u think it can make things easier!

They arent making things easier for me. They made them more complicated......... Pls...stay away you people..... (sob...)

Stay.... away..............

And stop peeking on my blog, what is it that you wanted to find? My weakness, where u can all criticised and stab me. God.... Go away you people.... This is not the way.......

God give me forgiveness. Give me peace at heart. Forgive me for the sins i've done. Lead me the way. Lead me the way. Lead me... i dont wanna go astray....... Lead me.

Oh, you called. And what's that for? Stop it already!! Stop trying to reach me to JUST LIE TO ME!!! Havent you people had enough??

Leave me alone now! Dont just try to pretend again! Dont try to poison me with all those FAKE hopes anymore! Cant you see that i'm suffering? Cant you see that i'm suffering even more with believing all your lies??!! But i better not say anything, isnt it? Because all u ppl do is misinterpreting. And judging me again. Stop it i said. Stop it people...

And this blog is what i have left. But when the server goes down again, where should i turn to again? I'm not going to let all you ppl read this on my paid weblog. Because i'm sick and tired of all of you people. ALL OF YOU! All you do is judging me, and then criticised me, and then pour lies to me, and more lies, and fake hopes, till u satisfied. But you never satisfied. You want to watch me suffer more, and then start criticising again. And lie again. I live just by going on this stupid circle of yours.

Elehhh.... just visited my paid weblog. Whoever you are ppl who left those messages on my shoutbox... hey, tell u what, dont try to so "baik-ly" lecture other people about this and that. So what now, my blog has becoming popular for ppl to pour their lectures?? Go away!!! I said I DONT NEED YOU PPL ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Screwed up. I know i'm screwed up. A spoiled child. (Sob.. shut eyes...)

(Laughing....and laughing...and laughing like crazy...) 

Ahahaa...hahaha..hahahaa....

---------------------------------------

(Big sigh..)

All i wanted is to trust someone. To have someone. Someone who wouldnt be lying to me. Someone who wouldnt just there because they had to. It's all. It's all there is, what i hope for. I never wanted to hurt anyone. Never wanted to hate anyone. Never wanted to drawing away.

..But sometimes i just lost again. And again.. And i wanted to get back. I dont wanna be lost forever.... 

I'm staying away from all those people. Having contact with *any* of them only makes myself worst and worst. I wont pick up any call. I wont talk to anyone. They'll poison my mind. I want to stay away......

I've stopped believing them anymore. You want your keys, you can have them. You want your careers you can worship them.

I dont want to fall for such trap anymore. I HATE **ALL OF YOU** JUST THE SAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

***ALL*** OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not even single one of you i trust!

HATE ME! Hate me, despise me, i know you wanted to hate me. I know you've always hated me.

 I've lost hopes, lost trust, lost words, and now im staying away. (eyes shut..)

 BERHENTI BERHARAP (STOPPED HOPING)

Aku tak percaya lagi
Dengan apa yang kau beri
Aku terdampar disini
Tersudut menunggu mati

Aku tak percaya lagi
Akan guna matahari
Yang dulu mampu terangi
Sudut gelap hati ini

Aku berhenti berharap
Dan menunggu datang gelap
Sampai nanti suatu saat
Tak ada cinta kudapat

Kenapa ada derita
Bila bahagia tercipta
Kenapa ada sang hitam
Bila putih menyenangkan

Aku pulang
Tanpa dendam
Ku terima kekalahanku

Aku pulang
Tanpa dendam
Kusalut kan kemenanganmu

Kau ajarkan aku bahagia
Kau ajarkan aku derita
Kau tunjukkan aku bahagia
Kau tunjukkan aku derita
Kau berikan aku bahagia
Kau berikan aku derita

(Rebahkan kalbumu
Lepaskan perlahan
Kau akan mengerti
Semua)

(ENGLISH TRANSLATION, made it myself) 

I don't believe
In what you give anymore
I am left here
Cornered, waiting for the death to come

I don't believe
In the sun anymore
Which once used to lighten
The darkness in this heart

I've stopped hoping
Waiting for the dark to come
Till the moment
There wouldn't be love
I'm getting anymore

Why there has to be suffering
When there is happiness
Why there has to be blackness
When whiteness is easing

I'm going home..
Without vengeance
I admit my lost

I'm going home..
Without vengeance
I salute your winning

You taught me happiness
You taught me suffering
You showed me happiness
You showed me suffering
You gave me happiness
You gave me suffering

(Let your heart slip
Let go of it slowly
You'll understand..
Everything)

[translation by diabolique]
 

Sedih....(chuckle)...

(Sigh)

Just went to my paid-blog that i abandoned for a while for this blog. ila was there, leaving a msg on my shoutbox. somehow, i felt touched. maybe a little if not all. suddenly there were the images of us, back in college. (close to crying). from diploma till bachelor's degree. and life has slowly being taken over by the pain from there, hasnt it? (chuckle, with slight tears).

some of us havent been too fortunate, have we? but we found friends dont we? we found friends who stick with us. we found friends who share the same laughter and the same tears we have. some time if not all the time. (long sigh).

but what those actually really mean now though? time has passed. some words have lost.

NAKUSHITA KOTOBA (LOST WORDS)

hitotsu hitotsu omoidaseba
subete wakatteita
ki ga shiteita no ni
iroaseta kotoba wa
boku no sugu soba ni oiteatta

kotaero denai yoru to
hitokire no nukumori to
haruka kanata no akogare to
tada sore dake wo kurikaeshi
boku wa ikiteiru

kono ryoute ni hakareteiru mono
toki no shizuku sotto nigirishimete
wasureta kioku nakushita kotoba
yeah yeah

anata ga omou koto wo
sameru koto nakute moto ni tsukamitai no ni
hito de aru bokutachi wa
sono kimochi wo wakachiaenai mama

kotoba ga hanatsu imi wo
tatoe no nai omoi wo
kotaeru koto no nai honto
mitsumeaeba tsutawaru koto ga dekitara ii no ni na

kono ryoute ni hakareteiru mono
toki no shizuku sotto nigirishimete
wasureta kioku nakushita kotoba
yeah yeah yeah yeah

kono omoi wa ue ni shimatte wo koro whoa...
nakushite shimatta aa...

(ENGLISH TRANSLATION)

One by one
As i look back at my memories
I thought i knew everything
But i was a fool
Faded words, were left right at my side

Nights without answers
One blade of warmth
Longing from afar
We just kept repeating this cycle
That's why i'm alive

I embrace them with my hands
Droplets of time
I softly grasp them
Forgotten memories
Lost words..

I'll take those words...

I'm writing here, after a very long time, and instead of writing on my own paid-weblog, it's because of THOSE ppl!!!

I've LOST HOPES in everyone in the world right now. They ALL lied, didnt they???!!!!!!!!!! It's easy to make u believe. With all those sweet lies. How can u be THAT stupid????!!!!!!!!!! STOP IT ALREADY, u, myself!! Stop believing that there really are ppl behind u!! There never were. There has never been!! Wake up already! If you continue on believing them, YOU'll be the one who'll get HURT!!! Pls, wake up! I'm WARNING you NOW!!! Dont come again here at later time and tell this blog how much you felt stupid.

Pls, you.. if u dont wanna get hurt, stop believing them. You CANT rely on other people, those stupid people they are, just another bunch of liars, to go on again. You know it yourself, there has never really been anyone. THERE'S still LIMITS TO THEIR so-called HELP!! You think they're really doing all these things FOR YOU for God's sake??? NO!! It's because of their job, it's because they had to do it, because the so-called "responsibility", if not they'll get the blame!! IT HAS NEVER REALLY **FOR YOU** for God's sake, u, wake up!!! Stop reading those stupid and INDEED meaningless emails!! Dont waste any more money for text messages! Dont hope for them to call, dont you even thinking abt them calling for God's sake!! And dont call them for God's sake, u!!

Now, drop all of this behind already! They're just another enemies in disguise, how the hell didnt u realize it?!! Dont take their WORDS in ur head anymore. Not long after this, THEY'LL DISAPPEAR. Just the way other people disappeared. THEY'RE ALL THE SAME, dont they???!! Keep ur head together for at least for ur own sake, for as much as u can do for yourself right now! DO SOMETHING!! They dont need u anymore. They dont need u there anymore. And u DONT need to be there with them! You only need to do this with yourself, for yourself. Forget them all. 

And pls remember DONT READ those junk emails anymore. DELETE THEM if u have to. They'll poison ur mind!! THEY'LL GIVE U **FAKE** HOPES!!! Now stand up for yourself for God's sake. Because YOU DONT NEED LIES. You dont need to be poisoned anymore. The way others have poisoned u in many different other ways. Build a shield against them. YOU ARE **NOT** ON THEIR SIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are on your OWN side!!! You have never been on a side with ANYONE!! You've been doing this all alone. Trusting them meaning only DESTROYING YOURSELF further. Trust me. Because i am who you are. I am who your with from the beginning. We're in this together. You and I. So don't trust them. Dont trust them ANY LONGER. Trust me. I am your friend.

I'm not. I'm just not.

I don't give a fuckin phuck, mate. If your doing it your way, i'm doin it mine too. FUCK you. Fuck you all. I'm movin on.